Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Do you have an ear to lend?

How can you look at that cute little face and not fall in love? This kitty is one of the 4 kitty's that my Mother-in-laws cat had a little over 2 weeks ago. He is the only one that hasn't found a home yet (well we may have a home but its not definite yet). Yesterday in my depression I was looking at the pictures of the Kitty's and fell in love and if I could I would take him, but we already have 3 female cats and 3 male dogs, and my mommy says no more cats! But again I say how can you not fall in love with that face! Alas I know we won't be bringing the cute little kitty home (ever).

I guess its part of my depression though, from what I have been told (after I went through some PPD with Kara) I'm a manic depressive which supposedly explains my urge to go out and blow money when I don't need to or have it, to make myself feel better and maybe getting a new pet could be considered getting something new to make myself feel better, You think?
I had a talk with the husband yesterday and although I do feel a bit better, I still don't feel right.
I've been contemplating calling my OB to see if I can get back on my Anti-depressants, but I am hesitant because I don't want to be taking that kind of medication while pregnant. But then again its also not good to feel this way while pregnant either. I would go to my shrink but I know what she is going to tell me I need to get some me time, some time to myself something that doesn't involve the kids. But with 3 kids its hard to do anything that doesn't involve the kids or anything that gets me away from the kids for a while, especially if I am still in the house. I could walk but I just don't feel like it. I guess I just need to suck it up and find something to do on my own and tell everyone that I need some time to myself for a while. Its the healthy thing to do right? Then why do I feel so guilty about it?

Aw man I actually found home for the last kitty. Well I don't aw man because its good but I was kinda hoping to con everyone at my house to get it. But its a good thing we don't need another cat.

As I have been thinking about it more and more, I believe a lot of my reason behind being so upset about not have a boy is because Zachary is not here and I never got to raise him, I love my girls with all my heart and I will (and do) love my new little girl with all my heart as well, but I never got to experience raising Zachary I want that experience and I think that's why I am getting so upset. I should be happy that I can have healthy children and I am because look at all the women and families that don't even get the chance at raising a child to begin with. I'm being greedy ain't I? I know I shouldn't be, I just wonder if it is apart of my depression? My mom is a very talented person and unfortunately I didn't inherit any of her talent (yeah I'm jealous) but the one thing that I most certainly did inherit from her is my ability to constantly think! Its not always about good things either, its about the bad things in life, about the what ifs in life. Sometimes I can keep it under control but when I am having issues with depression I have an even harder time controlling my thoughts especially the bad thoughts. You know the ones that play out scenarios in your head of things that have never and probably never will happen. I'm really bad at that, and my husband knows and completely understands that this is how I am, I am so grateful for that. But then in the same thought I sit there and think, if he is so understanding why doesn't he try to help? He knows How I feel about compliments I've explained it many times, but it doesn't seem to click in his mind. I don't expect him to bring me flowers for no reason (even though it might make me feel good) because I end up killing them any ways. But did you know (and I made sure I told him) that edible arrangements sell boxes of chocolate covered fruit and a box of a dozen chocolate covered strawberries for those people who don't want to waste money on flowers? I made the suggestion some what recently (before easter) that if he ever felt like getting me these instead of flowers (which unfortunitly he never does anyways) that this is a great idea

Now tell me that doesn't look good. a sweet treat and great alternative to flowers?

I don't want my complaining look like I have problems with my husband because I don't. I love him so much, he is my Best Freind and we have a great Marriage (in my opinion), our marriage isn't perfect but please show me one that is and has no problems what so ever! I appreciate and am grateful for all that he does. But that doesn't mean that there are things that other husbands do for thier wives that doesn't make me a tiny bit jealous sometimes. You know what I mean?

Well now that I have gotten some things off my chest I am feeling a little more better, not to mention I do have things to do today. So thanks for listening! Oh and thank you for all the support that I have been getting from my readers!

Have a Great Day!


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