6/19/10

This post is a few days late but we lost our internet the other day and I wasn't able to post until today. But I wrote it on office word. So here is the post from Saturday.....

6/19/2010

10 years ago today on June 19, 2000 after 15 hours of labor at 1:05pm I gave birth to a beautiful little boy! A moment that most women dream of, the only problem with this day was that my beautiful little boy was not breathing. This day will live on in my heart forever, it will never be forgotten and I will never heal from the heartache that I had bared that day. The day before (6/18/00) was just like any other day well not completely it was actually Fathers Day, but other than that the day seemed like a normal day and nothing really seemed different, I was 18 years old and still living with my Mom and Dad, if I recall correctly I was keeping myself pretty busy that day cleaning my room and other such things. Then later that afternoon I started to realize I hadn’t felt much movement from the child I had growing inside of me. I called the baby’s father to come over, I was scared and I think I already knew…. We decided to make our way to the hospital as my family tried to calm my fears telling me that everything will be alright; I knew in my heart they were wrong. We went to the labor and deliver floor and the nurses hooked me up to the monitors for contractions, I was actually contracting and didn’t know it. Then they went to hook me up to the monitor to hear the baby’s heartbeat after 5 minutes of trying the nurse was still having no luck, reality was starting to set in. We had to wait until the only doctor at the hospital got out of the operating room to perform an ultrasound to confirm what I had already known. What seemed like forever the doctor finally came in the room with the portable ultrasound machine and began the ultrasound as I looked at the screen my heart sank, the doctor didn’t even have to say anything I knew and could see with my own two eyes my baby boy was gone! The next 15 hours I experienced all sorts of emotions.

Obviously there was a lot of crying, sadness and grief but thanks to my family and friends I was able to experience some laughing and happiness. I will spear you the complete details of my labor (mainly because it has been 10 years and some of my labor is a blur from all the random emotions), but at about 1pm on June 19th it was time to push and 5 minutes later my baby boy had enter the world weighing 5lbs 13oz and 20 in long. But unlike most delivers there were a few things that I would not get to experience, I didn’t get to look into my baby’s eyes, or hear his first cries. We just sat there staring at him; he was beautiful, so precious and perfect. Our family came in and shared in our experience; we cried and loved on our precious child. We said I final goodbyes and the nurse took him away for good.

We would never see our son again! I didn’t take pictures with my baby boy and I have lived with that regret for the past 10 years, but a few weeks after his death I was at the hospital I delivered him in for a grief support group meeting, the nurse heading the meeting told me they had something for me and came back with pictures of my baby boy, the sweet nurses at the hospital went ahead and took pictures of my baby boy for me just as they would have if he were alive. It was such a surprise and so sweet of them! So other then my memories of him I have pictures to see him, and I am so grateful for that!

Every year I visit the cemetary were we had his memorial service. We chose to have an autopsy done to find out why he had passed away. I regret doing that because we were unable to have a formal funeral for him and were unable to bury him ourselves. He has a plaque though that was bought by his grandmother and great grandmother (on his fathers side). I go there every year to talk to him and wish him a Happy Birthday. Every 5 years a release a birthday balloon for him as well! This year was pretty hard on me, maybe because I actually went to the cemtary by myself. I was able to be there alone and shed the tears that I needed to shed and grieve for him without having one of my daughters or husband talking to me. Although when someone else goes with me they do give me my privacy to grieve but its still not the same as being by myself, being able to reflect on the moment.

I also like to take photos of the clouds on that day. Usually they look so beautiful and peaceful but this year for what ever the reason it just wasn't the same they didn't have that heavenly look they usually have (to me at least).

Happy 10th Birthday Zachary Tyler! I love you and miss you always!

Have a Beautiful Day!

Catrina