Its getting closer and closer and I just don't know how to feel right now. I know that my family is feeling my stress and I don't mean to be this way but thats what happens as "the Day" draws closer. I become moody and stressed and depressed and even when I am not feeling the pain I am, do you understand what I'm saying? I hope you do, because I don't exactly know how to describe it. Its like I'm a shell, I'm here, I'm living life, smiling, joking and whatnot, But my heart is breaking inside, the pain is just wrenching my heart, ripping it apart. This year Zachary's Birthday falls on Father's day. Now I know Father's day is not my day to celebrate, its to celebrate Father's and while yes I am the one who left Zachary's father I am not a cold heartless bitch I do feel badly that his sons birthday/death falls on the day he is suppose to celebrate being a father. The first year that this happen I wrote him a letter just letting him know I understand how painful it may be for him but I would be there for him on that day. I never heard anything back, and didn't think I would because I know all the hatred he has for me. But I wanted him to know that he was not alone on that day. This year I thought about sending him a facebook message, but this year I am not quite sure what to say to him. I don't know about him but Fathers day is a hard day for me (as I am sure it is for him as well) because it was the day we were told that our son had died. Thats when my heart broke, thats when my whole world crashed down as I wondered what I did wrong, how could this have happened and why was it happening to us. So for me Fathers day is just as hard as his birthday. But again I feel aweful, I want to say something but I just don't know the right words. What can I say that won't hurt him worse? What can I say to not make him hate me even worse? Do I even attempt to say something to him or just let it go? I'm just so conflicted right now and am not sure what to do.....
Have an Oh So Wonderful Day!
Catrina
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