Monday, January 10, 2011

the scars still remain

Time heals all wounds but the scars still remain....

How true is that statement? I have been thinking about this a lot lately well not the statement completely but how someone can sit there and expect you to get over certain things or no longer be hurt by them. I guess this can go for many events but the event in particular that I am referring to is a miscarriage or stillbirth of a child. I know that I have never heard of anyone say to someone that has lost a loved one say, I thought you would be over that by now. But I myself have heard the comment more then once. How do I comment on all the rude comments that I have gotten without being rude or mean? I know for me personally I will never "get over it" or "forget". My child has left an imprint on my heart and on my soul! It can never be filled or forgotten!

I don't know if it only comes from people who haven't experienced that type of loss but I think for them to understand how you can never forget something like that they would have to experience a pain like that (and of course I would never wish that on anyone).

I have 4 other children who keep me busy but in my heart and in my mind Zachary is still there, and he always will be. He was my first child, he was the first one I felt tickle my insides, he was the first one that kicked the shit out of me, he was the first one made me experience all those pregnancy and labor symptoms for the first time. How could I ever forget those moments?

10 1/2 years ago I had the most amazing and heartbreaking experience happen to me all in one year. To experience your first pregnancy, you first child growing inside of you, to experience an almost perfect pregnancy, what a grand thing. But then to have it all taken away from you in one day is the most horrific thing I have ever experienced. To hear the words that your baby has passed away, to see on the screen that the once beating heart is no longer beating. I felt in that instant that I could no longer go on living. How could I ? I could I continue my life when my child is not here to continue on with me? I didn't want to believe he was gone, I immediatly asked for a c-section, get him out now we can save him! But that was not the case, it was to late there was nothing they could do, so I sat there crying while they prepped me for labor. I sat there for 15 hours hoping and praying that a miracle would happen and he would be born breathing, but again that was not the case, he would not take his first breaths as almost all babies do when born, there would be no celebration in that birthing room, as there were in the rooms down the hall.

Every year I go to the cemetary, we didn't have a funeral, we don't have a grave (both things I regret), we donated his body to University of Michigan so that we could find out his cause of death, we bought a plague that is at the cemetary, its so impersonal, but its all I have.....
I talk to my son, I tell him how much I am still missing him, and how much I love him, on his milestone birthdays (like 1,5, 10 and so forth) I release a letter and a balloon, I always wish him a happy birthday (although its not a very happy one) then I return to my car and cry.

I don't speak of him all the time but I do speak of him often, although he was only with me for 35 1/2 weeks, he was still with me and I will keep what little memory I have of him alive. My children know about him (or will know about him). I will continue to visit him every year and pray to him every night. His picture is still in my purse (along with his sisters pictures), and I have a box of memory's from my pregnancy that I will always keep.

So to answer the question... No I will never get over his death and no, I refuse to let go.

Have an Oh So Wonderful Night!


1 comment:

Stephanie Williams said...

Thank you for sharing this heartbreaking story with us... I'm sorry you have this story to tell, but I'm glad you are willing to share it. Blessings on you and your whole family!
~ SW