11 years Ago....

"The Day You Slipped Away... Was The Day I Found It Won't Be The Same!"

At this point in my mind truer words were never spoken.  You know they say that time heals all wounds but there are just some wound that can not be healed.  No matter how hard you try they remain open.  Sometimes its gets easier yes but it never goes away, the pain still remains no matter what.  I've lost apart of myself, a hole still remains there til this day and always will.

I went to the cemetery today as I do every year.  To tell him I Miss him, Love him and wish him a Happy Birthday!

I don't know if he was there or if he was listening but as I spoke to him the clouds opened up and the sun shown down on my being.  Maybe this was a sign, maybe this was just coincidence, but it happened.

This plaque is all I have left of my son.  The top one is my baby boys plaque. 

This is my sweet baby boy Zachary Tyler Born Still at 35 1/2 weeks at 1:05pm weighing  5lbs 13oz and 19 1/2in long.  He is the most precious thing!  He would have been 11 years old today, if he were here today he would soon be entering middle school,  I think about the what ifs a lot .  Because what if he were still here what would life be like? 

Happy Birthday Zachary Tyler I Love You and Miss You!!!

Have an Oh So Peaceful Night!
Catrina

Finding the right words....

Its getting closer and closer and I just don't know how to feel right now.  I know that my family is feeling my stress and I don't mean to be this way but thats what happens as "the Day" draws closer.  I become moody and stressed and depressed and even when I am not feeling the pain I am, do you understand what I'm saying?  I hope you do, because I don't exactly know how to describe it.  Its like I'm a shell,  I'm here, I'm living life, smiling, joking and whatnot,  But my heart is breaking inside, the pain is just wrenching my heart, ripping it apart.  This year Zachary's Birthday falls on Father's day.  Now I know Father's day is not my day to celebrate, its to celebrate Father's and while yes I am the one who left Zachary's father I am not a cold heartless bitch I do feel badly that his sons birthday/death falls on the day he is suppose to celebrate being a father.  The first year that this happen I wrote him a letter just letting him know I understand how painful it may be for him but I would be there for him on that day.  I never heard anything back, and didn't think I would because I know all the hatred he has for me.  But I wanted him to know that he was not alone on that day.  This year I thought about sending him a facebook message, but this year I am not quite sure what to say to him.  I don't know about him but Fathers day is a hard day for me (as I am sure it is for him as well) because it was the day we were told that our son had died.  Thats when my heart broke, thats when my whole world crashed down as I wondered what I did wrong, how could this have happened and why was it happening to us.  So for me Fathers day is just as hard as his birthday.  But again I feel aweful, I want to say something but I just don't know the right words. What can I say that won't hurt him worse? What can I say to not make him hate me even worse? Do I even attempt to say something to him or just let it go?  I'm just so conflicted right now and am not sure what to do.....


Have an Oh So Wonderful Day!
Catrina

Slipped Away....

This is about what I am feeling right now as the "that day" draws closer.... I don't even know how to explain my feelings right now. This month is always a hard time for me, but that fact that its on Fathers day this year makes it that much worse, because that was the day we were told the news that was the day that the doctors look us in the eyes and told us our son was gone!  So to have his birthday on this day, makes it that much harder! 

"Slipped Away"  By Avril Lavigne




Na na, na na na, na na

I miss you, miss you so bad

I don't forget you, oh it's so sad

I hope you can hear me

I remember it clearly



The day you slipped away

Was the day I found it won't be the same

Oh



Na na na na na na na



I didn't get around to kiss you

Goodbye on the hand

I wish that I could see you again

I know that I can't



Oh

I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly



The day you slipped away

Was the day I found it won't be the same

Oh



I had my wake up

Won't you wake up

I keep asking why

And I can't take it

It wasn't fake

It happened, you passed by



Now you are gone, now you are gone

There you go, there you go

Somewhere I can't bring you back

Now you are gone, now you are gone

There you go, there you go,

Somewhere you're not coming back



The day you slipped away

Was the day I found it won't be the same no..

The day you slipped away

Was the day that I found it won't be the same oh...



Na na, na na na, na na

I miss you
 
Have an Oh So Wonderful Night!
Catrina