SURPRISE!!

So yesterday I turned the big 3-0! Omg 30, I'm so old now holy cow I'm 30!! Haha not really I actually don't see it as a big deal, I don't see why 30 is a big deal to most people, maybe I am in denial about my old-er age or maybe its everyone else around me that makes something no so significaint into a big deal.  Either way I don't get it.  But... and this is a big BUT.... Its one of those milestone Birthdays were you get to have a party and celebrate being "over the hill" and as depressed and upset as I was before that I didnt think anyone would even acknowledge my birthday, is how surprised I was that my family threw me a surprise birthday party!  I was indeed surprised and I had a great time, but at the same time I was truely and honestly upset by the fact that certain people chose not to show up.  I don't celebrate my birthday every year so its not like it was just another party, like I said its was a milestone birthday.  I know for some it was obviously difficult for them to show up because well it was the 4th of July weekend and they were no were to be found because they went out of town.  But for some they had no real excuse as to why they chose not to show up.  They couldn't take a few moments out of the day to come celebrate with me?  I know I shouldn't let these things bother me because the people who truely care about me showed up.  But the ones who did not... I thought they did care about me and I guess it hurts and stings to come to the realization that they don't care about me. 
But aside from the disappointment I did have a good time with my true freinds and family! We hung out, we talked, we jumped on the tramoline (haha yes I jumped on the trampoline!!) 

So here is to the big 30!
Have an Oh So Wonderful Day!!
Catrina

Slipped Away....

This is about what I am feeling right now as the "that day" draws closer.... I don't even know how to explain my feelings right now. This month is always a hard time for me, but that fact that its on Fathers day this year makes it that much worse, because that was the day we were told the news that was the day that the doctors look us in the eyes and told us our son was gone!  So to have his birthday on this day, makes it that much harder! 

"Slipped Away"  By Avril Lavigne




Na na, na na na, na na

I miss you, miss you so bad

I don't forget you, oh it's so sad

I hope you can hear me

I remember it clearly



The day you slipped away

Was the day I found it won't be the same

Oh



Na na na na na na na



I didn't get around to kiss you

Goodbye on the hand

I wish that I could see you again

I know that I can't



Oh

I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly



The day you slipped away

Was the day I found it won't be the same

Oh



I had my wake up

Won't you wake up

I keep asking why

And I can't take it

It wasn't fake

It happened, you passed by



Now you are gone, now you are gone

There you go, there you go

Somewhere I can't bring you back

Now you are gone, now you are gone

There you go, there you go,

Somewhere you're not coming back



The day you slipped away

Was the day I found it won't be the same no..

The day you slipped away

Was the day that I found it won't be the same oh...



Na na, na na na, na na

I miss you
 
Have an Oh So Wonderful Night!
Catrina

Happy Valentines Day!

Happy Love day!   Today is the day to celebrate love, but it doesn't have to be about just celebrating with your spouse of significant other it can be about celebrating your love for a family member, a family member that perhaps could really use some love right now.  Because other then saying I love you always and forever there is nothing else that can be said that can fix the horrible thing that this person is going through because on a day that is suppose to be about celebrating love... Her heart is breaking!  My heart is breaking for her.  I feel like there is something I should say, something I should do.  But there is nothing that I can say or do that will fix this.  And this breaks my heart!

So I hope the rest of you have a Happy Valentines day!

Have an Oh So Wonderful Day!
Catrina

Complete Disappointment...

I'm feeling a great disappointment in myself. My expectations have been extremely high going into this new endeavor of exercising and to not get the results I am looking for right away has put me in a funk and then on top of it all I know that the reason why I am not getting the results I want is because I am not eating the way I should be and that right there my friends is a huge problem.
I'm sticking to my exercising, of course I'm not going to give that up because I am getting results from it. My problem comes in that I love food, and not to mention the fact that I live in a house with 7 other people is kinda hard to pick and choose the food that I want to buy at the grocery store. When buying food and making meals I have to think about everyone else. We try to eat healthy (especially to make a good example for the children) but its not always easy when every one in the house is picky. I guess it wouldn't be as bad on our budget if I didn't have to buy diapers for 2 kids and formula & baby food for one.
But I can't completely blame my food obsession on having to feed other people in the house because they are not the ones that make me eat, they are not the ones that choose the foods I eat and the portions I have. I do and I need to take responsibility for my own actions and do something about it.
Okay and not to mention the fact that I have been really into cooking lately thanks to the Pioneer Women and all her awesome recipes. How can I not try some of the recipes when the pictures of the food looks SO delicious! My family is enjoying me cooking because well that means none of them have to cook (haha).
I know I need to start eating better and watching my calorie and fat intake. I started walking on the treadmil today, I won't do it all the time but my dad got a treadmil so that he can exercise and figure I could use it to walk a few times a week too. which trust me is hard to do because after doing my superset B's I am wiped out, I tried doing 30 minutes of walking (to burn 300 calories) and I was only able to make it for 12 minutes (100 calories) haha, pretty bad huh? Like I have mentioned before the Fit Yummy Mummy program can really kick your ass in only 15 minutes so trying to burn another 300 calories right after that can really wear you down. So you can see why I was only able to make it for 12 minutes.
But don't worry folks I am sure you are wondering if because I am getting disappointed and feeling a bit depressed because I am not doing well (again my fault) no I am not quiting! I am very determined to keep this up! I am done with being this large, I am done with feeling this bad about myself, I am done feeling this way! I just wish I could find a good scale that doesn't suck and have to be reset all the stinking time... It very hard to get an accurate result when your scale sucks monkey butt (is a cheap piece of crap).
I guess this was just a way for me to complain and let you all know how disappointed I am in myself right now. So thankf for listening me whine....

Have an Oh So Wonderful Day!
Catrina

PPD (Post Partum Depression)

I was reading a post over at Mommy is Teething and she posted a link about a mother her shook her baby to death because he was crying while she played Farmville on Facebook! Okay I'm a Facebookaholic and I admit it (that's the first step ain't it?) and I use to play all the games like farmville, farmtown and other craziness like that, but alas I got bored with them and realized I would rather blog, I think I made a good choice I would rather write (or type) then play a silly game that takes for flipping ever to do anything. Anyways back to what I was saying....

Are you Freaking kidding me! Your game is that important that you shook your child because they were interrupting it?!?! That's just damn stupid! According to the article the baby was only 14 weeks old, a helpless infant! Like the kid knew you were playing Farmville and needed to plant your crops or harvest them, whatever it is that was so important that you couldn't tend to your child's needs quickly and then go back to it. Like for instance I am sitting her blogging and you may be wondering well were the hell are my kids (since I have 4 of them) well for you information, 1 just went to school, 2 & 3 are playing princesses (running up stairs to their room and downstairs to the toy room) and 4 is sitting right next to me talking to me and watching me type out this post. (I think she wonders how my hands are moving so quickly lol because she has her eyes set on them. )

Now I don't know her set of circumstances and I know some women suffer from PPD, I myself had a case of it after I had Kara (if it wasn't PPD it was something damn close to it). I know from personal experience of the thoughts that run through your head when you are suffering from PPD and maybe its just me but I could never in a million years hurt (or gasp kill) my child. When I had Devin I believe I may have suffered from PPD pretty badly but at that time in my life I didn't even know what PPD was and I had aweful thoughts but I removed myself from her, let her cry it out or what not, again no matter how aweful of a thought that would cross my mind she was just an innocent child trying to express her hurt or anger or hunger (whatever it may have been that was bothering her), which I eventually learned it was acid reflux that was burdening my child and making her cry so often. I know its hard on a mother who is sleep deprived that has a crying child at her side, not quite sure what it is that is ailing that baby. But that in those moments when the hatred and fear start kicking in when that anger and hurt start to take over, that is when you should realize that you have a problem and get help before a terrible incident occurs. Like I said I had those problems with Devin and it took me a long time to realize what was wrong with me, back then PPD wasn't as common or at least not talked about as much. But when I had Kara I was aware that this was an issue and I know now a days (at least were I had my children) the nurses disscuss PPD with parents to make them aware of this ever growing disorder. As soon as I realized the thoughts in my head were not right I sought help right away. And you should too! If you have any improper thoughts about your child even if you know you could never act on them you need to seek help. I was afraid when I first went in for help. I was afraid that they would take my children away, but that was not the case they just wanted to help me and get me through what ever it was that was causing me to feel that way.

I don't want to apologize for saying the things I have said it just hurts me to hear about something like this happening to an innocent child. I read many blogs about women who have been suffering from PPD and they sought out help and they are recovering and I commend them for seeking out help and admitting it to thier readers what they are going through at this very moment the thoughts that they are having and the things that they are doing to stop them. All I'm trying to say is if you feel like there is something just not right and you are having hurtful thoughts or feelings towards your child/children then Please I am begging you seek help before something happens that you will regret.

Have a Great Day

Catrina

As I was looking for pictures for PPD to post here I found a website geared to help women with PPD, If you or someone you know think they may have it you may want to check it out and seek help . http://www.jennyslight.org/

How was your weekend?

Hey Ya'll how was your weekend? Mine was pretty good, for the most part at least. I had some off moments were the depression kicked in and I just wanted to sleep the day away. But alas I had a child to take care of. My Aunt took Devin and Brooke to her house so for Saturday is was just me and Kara (the hubby was at work and my parents were at a wedding). Kara and I went to the neighbors for his 2nd birthday but were unable to stay for very long because Kara decided to be a big pain the arse! I didn't do my walking yesterday because we went to the in laws and then to the funeral for a viewing because the father of one of the hubbys closest friends died just last week. The hubby of course wanted to get his old truck and take it with us, which was fine with me the truck is nice, but there is no exhaust on it right now so that sucks because its very loud! When we left the funeral home it was raining and about half way to my grandma's house I realized that my pants were wet and the hubby realized he had forgotten to plug the holes that are in the wheel wells, so yeah the water from the road was splashing into the truck and get me wet, I tried to block the hole the best I could with my foot but I couldn't cover it completely and right before we got back to my grandma's I looked down and realized that not only were my pants wet but my shoes were muddy (because my grandma lives on a dirt road). Good thing we were dropping the truck off and not driving it all the way home that would have SUCKED! But I guess its okay, I was with the hubby on the trucks "maiden" voyage (it hasn't been driven on the road in over 18 years, I think) He was so very excited to drive his truck and that's all that matters. I'll be happy when he gets some stinking exhaust on it and adjust the brakes (its turns to the left really bad when you brake quickly).
Today I am taking it easy, I'll still go for my walk and maybe do my yoga (I'm not sure about the yoga right now) but I missed yesterdays walk so I really would prefer not to miss it today. But I'm really tired today and just want to take it easy, I was on my feet A LOT yesterday and would prefer to stay off my feet as much as possible. Brooke and Kara are watching Nick Jr., playing and fighting all at the same time. I think it may be nap time for Kara soon and maybe (hopefully) for me as well, Brooke has bothering me to watch either Rudolph the red nose reindeer or the grinch who stole Christmas so I think I'll let her watch one of those while I get a little nap in. Tomorrow is the funeral, the hubby has decided that he doesn't want to miss it and his work will understand so hopefully I will be able to talk my mom into watching Brooke and Kara so I can go with David. I would really like to go because I have never been to a military funeral and they will be doing a 21 gun solute. I know that is not a good excuse to go to a funeral, and obviously that is not my only reason, I want to be there to support the hubby and to support his friend as well.
Have you heard about the new medication recall? I still have to check out the tylonal and motrin I have to see if the products I have, have been recalled but check out Mcneil Product Recall to see if you may have one of the recalled products.

Have a Great Day!
Catrina

Fighting the Fat Friday- Week One

Did you decide to joing me for Fighting the Fat Fridays? Or are you just here for an update? Either way welcome.....
Again for me this is Fighting the Fat Friday - Preggie Style.
I've continued with my walking this will be day 5 in our daily walks (once we actually take the walk), I did my dreaded Yoga yesterday and to my surprise I was actually not in pain afterwards! I actually had an easier time balancing and doing it yesterday too. My mother and I went on our 1 mile walk yesterday and about half way through it started to rain! That sucked seeing as we had Kara and Brooke with us. We all got pretty wet but it did stop raining before we got home. We looked pretty funny out in the rain trying to walk as fast as we can, which I have to say isn't very fast since 1 of us is preggo and the other is cripple, can you guess who is who? We had to slow down after so long because I started to cramp up, which I have noticed if we are walking to fast I start cramping a little on my right side, I don't know if its a uterus cramp or a muscle cramp though, I guess that is something I will discuss with my doctor next week for my 6 months check up. Yeah you heard me right I am 6 months preggo today! I am officially 24 weeks now, but won't do my preggie update until after I see my doctor next week so expect a update and a belly shot next week. I don't know if I mentioned this before (I probably have in one of my other post) but I actually feel good about walking everyday, ok not so much about the yoga since I do dread it, but I am sure I will get use to it and love it soon enough. Once my depression kicked in a few weeks ago I didn't know what to do to make myself feel better, the nurse I spoke to told me to talk to my doctor at my next check up (which I plan on still) but she also said to find some me time, which is pretty hard when you have kiddo's to take care of, it seems the only time I get some alone time is in the shower. Even yesterday when I was trying to do my yoga, Kara was napping and Brooke was outside but then in the middle of my routine Brooke came in the house and frustrated the hell out of me because she wanted a snack and I wouldn't let her have ice cream and what ever else she was bitching about, So of course the rest of my "work out" (if you can call it that) I was in a bad mood and couldn't relax. But even though the kids are with us during our walks I actually feel good and better about myself, so these walks really help with my depression. I doubt they will help me get rid of it completely (I'm pretty screwed up in the brain if you haven't figured that one out yet), But at least the walks help, and make me feel better about myself.
So are you going to be joining me on my journey or will you be a spectator? Leave me and comment and let me know, even if your just going to visit to see how I'm doing let me know!

Have a Great Day!
Catrina

Do you have an ear to lend?

How can you look at that cute little face and not fall in love? This kitty is one of the 4 kitty's that my Mother-in-laws cat had a little over 2 weeks ago. He is the only one that hasn't found a home yet (well we may have a home but its not definite yet). Yesterday in my depression I was looking at the pictures of the Kitty's and fell in love and if I could I would take him, but we already have 3 female cats and 3 male dogs, and my mommy says no more cats! But again I say how can you not fall in love with that face! Alas I know we won't be bringing the cute little kitty home (ever).

I guess its part of my depression though, from what I have been told (after I went through some PPD with Kara) I'm a manic depressive which supposedly explains my urge to go out and blow money when I don't need to or have it, to make myself feel better and maybe getting a new pet could be considered getting something new to make myself feel better, You think?

I had a talk with the husband yesterday and although I do feel a bit better, I still don't feel right.

I've been contemplating calling my OB to see if I can get back on my Anti-depressants, but I am hesitant because I don't want to be taking that kind of medication while pregnant. But then again its also not good to feel this way while pregnant either. I would go to my shrink but I know what she is going to tell me I need to get some me time, some time to myself something that doesn't involve the kids. But with 3 kids its hard to do anything that doesn't involve the kids or anything that gets me away from the kids for a while, especially if I am still in the house. I could walk but I just don't feel like it. I guess I just need to suck it up and find something to do on my own and tell everyone that I need some time to myself for a while. Its the healthy thing to do right? Then why do I feel so guilty about it?

Aw man I actually found home for the last kitty. Well I don't aw man because its good but I was kinda hoping to con everyone at my house to get it. But its a good thing we don't need another cat.

As I have been thinking about it more and more, I believe a lot of my reason behind being so upset about not have a boy is because Zachary is not here and I never got to raise him, I love my girls with all my heart and I will (and do) love my new little girl with all my heart as well, but I never got to experience raising Zachary I want that experience and I think that's why I am getting so upset. I should be happy that I can have healthy children and I am because look at all the women and families that don't even get the chance at raising a child to begin with. I'm being greedy ain't I? I know I shouldn't be, I just wonder if it is apart of my depression? My mom is a very talented person and unfortunately I didn't inherit any of her talent (yeah I'm jealous) but the one thing that I most certainly did inherit from her is my ability to constantly think! Its not always about good things either, its about the bad things in life, about the what ifs in life. Sometimes I can keep it under control but when I am having issues with depression I have an even harder time controlling my thoughts especially the bad thoughts. You know the ones that play out scenarios in your head of things that have never and probably never will happen. I'm really bad at that, and my husband knows and completely understands that this is how I am, I am so grateful for that. But then in the same thought I sit there and think, if he is so understanding why doesn't he try to help? He knows How I feel about compliments I've explained it many times, but it doesn't seem to click in his mind. I don't expect him to bring me flowers for no reason (even though it might make me feel good) because I end up killing them any ways. But did you know (and I made sure I told him) that edible arrangements sell boxes of chocolate covered fruit and a box of a dozen chocolate covered strawberries for those people who don't want to waste money on flowers? I made the suggestion some what recently (before easter) that if he ever felt like getting me these instead of flowers (which unfortunitly he never does anyways) that this is a great idea

Now tell me that doesn't look good. a sweet treat and great alternative to flowers?

I don't want my complaining look like I have problems with my husband because I don't. I love him so much, he is my Best Freind and we have a great Marriage (in my opinion), our marriage isn't perfect but please show me one that is and has no problems what so ever! I appreciate and am grateful for all that he does. But that doesn't mean that there are things that other husbands do for thier wives that doesn't make me a tiny bit jealous sometimes. You know what I mean?

Well now that I have gotten some things off my chest I am feeling a little more better, not to mention I do have things to do today. So thanks for listening! Oh and thank you for all the support that I have been getting from my readers!

Have a Great Day!

Catrina